My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
set yourself free xox
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.