me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
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How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!