Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
You Might Also Like
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.