When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
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Money is the root of all wealth
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Education is vital
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”