[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Friends that check up on you >
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!