GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
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Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Seems kinda suspicious
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.