Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
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IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.