Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
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In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
what’s the point then??
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.