Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy