Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
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“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.