Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
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LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Cucumbers Anonymous
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.