It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
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Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
absolutely not
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”