Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.