Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING