The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Breaking news:
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?