Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”