Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
all that yoga finally paid off
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason