I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*