“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”