My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one