Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
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Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.