Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.