Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.