Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Happy Thanksgiving
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Dolls on drugs
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.