Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
You Might Also Like
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
want me to check your oil?
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
#have a #great #PancakeDay