Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
You Might Also Like
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
good let them take over I have had enough
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time