Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?