Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
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I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
sin harder.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.