My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
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[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
new career option?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
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Morningbreath
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You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.