Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.