Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually