Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’m literally crying
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.