do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Love thy neighbor’s dog