It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
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Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Bread puns are on the rise!
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
is this a warning or an offer?
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HEYYYY MACARENA
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!