Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
an airline just for babies.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.