Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃