My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
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Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard