Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
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I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.