So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…