Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
what’s the point then??
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*