The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
won’t smith
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.