I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Nomnomnomnom