The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
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“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Isn’t
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?