Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me