I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.