I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
You Might Also Like
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York