There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
This raises questions
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’m having an out of money experience.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes