[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal