DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
rapatouille
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.