Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
pelicons
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
birds and squirrels envy us
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”